[Removed at the request of BS.]
Z related her experience of the exercise during the month. She had tried the counting a couple of times, but she found it too "loud". It did not help her to be present, and was not useful for her. Whenever the thought came to her about time, which was never on the hour, she looked at the time which gave her an awakeness for two of the times during the month.
D had got caught up in the Olympics. He had become convinced how wonderful it is, and observed that he is quite nationalistic. To get to the Meeting he had had to be really disciplined, and turn the TV off at 10pm, but could not resist watching again this morning, Jessica Ennis and the whole thing. He was aware of himself getting carried away, and was amazed the way they cried. Then he noticed that he was crying himself. It was unbelievable. But he was quite present now.
RM said that the issue of self-remembering has been a core issue. Was it possible? He keeps going back to Gurdjieff work to help with this. Gurdjieff refers to items to do to help self-remembering but he finds that even these tasks can still lose their meaning. Is this loss of meaning in the tasks that are to help self-remembering a self-regulating factor that keeps him awake? He finds that a perpetual reminding gets so familiar it stops reminding him. Another task for self-remembering is to be aware of what his vices are, to see when they arise. One vice, for example, is sugar. Every time he wants something that is sweet, it is an opportunity to remember that desire is beginning to work. As soon as a desire tugs at him and he observes this tug, self-remembering is happening. In the Bible it is the parable about God casting out the devil. Casting the devil out is casting out a desire, this is something that can bring about permanent change.
For L, it had been two months since the last meeting. It was hard for him to pick out something to remember. He has been battling against resistance to doing his creative art. He is experiencing inspiration, waking up every morning with music. He had read what GC brought last time, the article by Maurice Nicoll on essence and personality. If essence develops by devouring personality, as Nicoll suggests, then perhaps doing creative art is a mechanism by which that can happen. The Olympics have been inspiring, a global self-observation. The athletes have had to conquer personality to a large extent. What is left? Is there a benefit to them? Is it a purely physical thing? Winning in the 10,000 metre race last night looked like a spiritual moment for the athlete, but this did not seem the case in all the events.
T had tried the 60 second counting several times during the month at different times and circumstances and found that after 12 or 13 her attention had drifted to something else. One example was at a time of heightened stress and anxiety when she had to get to a hospital appointment. During the humidity and heat rushing to the station she remembered the 1 - 60 as a way of getting above the stress and watching herself stressed. Even at this supposed heightened anxious state, when she managed to remember to start counting, the count petered out at 12 or 13, and after a while she was aware that she was still on her way but the counting had ceased and the rushing was to the fore again.
B had noticed, over the last month, that he acts in ways he thinks people want him to behave. He asked himself what is the point of coming here today. As he arrived he noticed people at the entrance. Part of him wanted to step back to avoid involvement. He has created this personality and has to act like that a lot of the time. He has an uneasy sense of who he is.
The Meeting then moved to respond to the two-minute contributions.
Z said that RM was more than the "vices" he spoke of.
L commented that BS focuses on self-observation by using his initials rather than the word "I" in his messages.
RM said that he was looking for role models, e.g. a top concert pianist, to emulate the discipline and drive necessary to be at the top. What is it that keeps them going? He is trying to do that as an opera singer with a teacher, and practices two hours a day. There are bits he is really struggling with. He has to slide through all the notes and doesn't know if he'll ever do it. He is putting himself in the position to explore, to experiment, to discover himself. M thought that doing this would increase beingness. RM continued that he wanted to be a top artist, and that this world is his work of art. If he can keep his home tidy and nice, it is inspiring to enter, it is home, but if it's a junk heap and nothing is in order then that is what he presents to himself and it is never going to be inspiring and helpful to his senses. He plays the trumpet. The instrument is perfect. He is the player and he is practicing to meet the potential offered to him by the instrument.
To B, M commented: "To find out who you really are, you have to ask yourself how many motivations you have got for what tasks. What tasks are to do with personality and what are to do with essence? You are born into two dimensions, the inner world which is your own private world and the outer world. You have to differentiate these two worlds otherwise you won't know which world you're operating in, either in the world of essence, or in the world of personality." L said that at the Meeting, there is no expectation to be in a role, it is about questioning roles, which can be uncomfortable. B responded that at the Meetings, he has a sense of spiritual being that should be a part of him. He tries to be that in some way. He recognises that one of the reasons for attending is that here he is not pretending to be someone else. L asked if this was the opposite to acting. B replied that he feels as if he is always acting. He struggles to think of when he isn't because he's within it. RM said to B that these feelings are appropriate, as it is impossible to progress without conscious suffering; seeing what one's tendencies are as opposed to one's will, sets up a confusion battle. Facing our natural tendencies - this is where one is wanting to go, it is a battle of consciousness. B said that he struggles to differentiate between a straight impulse and an automatic tendency. RM gave an example - on waking at 6am his natural tendency is to sleep on. There are hundreds of possible choices happening all day long. The natural tendency is to not have a will, is to say no to a will. B agreed that sometimes he could see that this is the case - he does recognise that he forces himself to attend; he can differentiate the two. RM said that if there is a battle work with it. There are two drivers, one is desire, one is love. That will override everything. Desire for sugar, desire to smoke a cigarette but the love driver becomes stonger and stronger. This is what spirituality means, this is part of our desire, the desire for sprituality.
D asked M, "What is essence?" M responded that "Essence is the essential part of art. It is in two worlds. An eternal drive or energy which is within everyone." D wondered if art is the blossom of essence, or if essence feeds on art. He recounted how when Nijinsky was dancing he felt like he was God. He tried to do everything himself, the choreography, the stage set, the dancing and he cracked up. He thought he could do anything when he was 'in the zone'. When the athletes win they are in the zone. L wondered what were the drivers for these Olympic athletes? Do they love their sport or are they addicted to adrenalin? Is it a battle or are they doing what they think is right? Are they doing what they love? T opined that she can never know what someone else's driver is, she can only try to know her own. RM said that in conquering their body one of the drivers is ego - use a thorn to remove a thorn. Use ego to drive you forward, then throw the last thorn away. He would love to be famous. The next thorn might be desire to be a guru. Each successive thorn gets a little smaller.
D asked what happens after an athlete wins. So what! T recalled that she reached that "so what" point after 3 years of Art College. The pain of the last fortnight for the degree show. Painting a painting solidly for a fortnight, Monday to Friday 9-5. The tutor said it was the best work he had seen come through the life room in all his tutoring there. This was praise indeed and yet it came at a high price. The pain of the effort, the pain of the concentrated effort, the attention, the giving up of doing anything else. Then after college she sank like a stone. She had to pay the rent and for the next 5 years she worked and this gave her the best distraction from continuing the work of painting, facing the pain of the hard work of art. She loved painting, and was a natural - loved the beauty she saw in the world and wanted to paint it. But the inordinate pressure to perform for the degree show was too much, too intense. Like the athletes in their twenties facing the intensity of what they have to do to achieve winning in competitions. They have to give up other involvements in life to focus. This is a big demand on the young people. They can attain success in the sport and find themselves or lose themselves through it.
The reading from Beelzebub's Tales then continued.
...the practice was automatically acquired in me on beginning anything new and also at any change, of course on a large scale, always to utter silently or aloud:
"If you go on a spree then go the whole hog including the postage."
RM said that is a tendency to latch onto something and go no further. In Advaita Vedanta there are no boundaries. Keep going beyond, looking beyond, don't get attached to anything in particular, all possibilities are there. He mentioned RamanaMaharshi's "choiceless awareness". Suffer the difference. Why disagree? The first chapter is to put people off. It tells you what the challenge is, and to investigate from all sides, to discover at all costs. RM then read out his summary of Gurdjieff's three primary aims. RM also said that Gurdjieff talked about one third of waking life should be dedicated to oneself, another third to the health of the community and a third dedicated to the science of all humanity. He added that external forces are always there, that the devil is in us, if we allow ourselves to do battle with him all the time. He quoted "Drink deep or else touch not the sacred spring". This line, from a Presbyterian text, is an altered form from Alexander Pope's "An Essay on Criticism", 1709:
A little learning is a dangerous thing;
drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
and drinking largely sobers us again.
The reading continued.
" ... I now still wish to make a sincere confession to you about the associations arisen within me which as a result have precipitated in the corresponding sphere of my consciousness the data which have prompted the whole of my individuality to select as the chief hero for my writings just such an individual as is presented before your inner eyes by this same Mr. Beelzebub. This I did, not without cunning. My cunning lies simply in the logical supposition that if I show him this attention he infallibly – as I already cannot doubt any more – has to show himself grateful and help me by all means in his command in my intended writings."
L wondered about the portent of this, as he tries to be available to the Muse, as a channel for the art and trusts that means of distribution will transpire.
As the Meeting closed, it was decided, as an exercise for the coming month, to try the practice mentioned by BS of two-way self-remembering. M described it as "observing your feelings or thoughts and being aware that you are observing your feelings or thoughts". RM described it as "practising being the silent witness"; there is a difference between controlling thoughts and directing thoughts.
M recalled an old verse which he had found significant:
"Here abide Three. The man who slayeth his Master. The Master who saveth the man. The Spirit whose Word buildeth. And they abide as One."
RM advised, re counting, that it is best not to go to double figures, but for example to count from 9 down to zero and back again, using steps or heart beat to pace oneself. Z thought that maybe she needed to count slower. She had not been using double figures.
E responded to B, sharing her experience of acting many years ago. She said that lines are learned and then spoken on the night, but the lines are not your lines. When she delivered lines in front of an audience, she experienced being aware of herself speaking the lines, and then also became aware of another level where she was aware of herself being aware of herself delivering the lines which were not hers, but which she was saying as though they were her words. This experience freaked her out and she thought she was going mad. She ran into the wings to speak to her fellow actors about this. As fellow actors they had also experienced it and reassured her that she was not going mad. She said that it was very scary to her at the time. It was years later that she realised this particular "acting" experience could be an immensely helpful tool for trying to understand the nature of "ordinary" human discourse. Acting allows you to play at relating to others by using words that are not your own and yet these words are learned and spoken by you as if they were your own.
