B was glad to have got to the Meeting, having overcome the desire not to come. He has been writing for the last two months. He has a desire to be introverted and to be backward in coming forward. He is trying to be more engaged and open, trying to find what his essence is. This desire has led him inward and backward. He is struggling to do two meditations a day, but, more easily than before, is accomplishing one a day. He is forcing himself to write, without using his own life experiences. It is hard to sit down and do it. Sometimes he hates it. It is strange to talk after a period away, getting back into the groove.
D has been thinking about the last month's meeting. "R" had said something about "self-calming". He did not agree with it being a negative thing; for him it is positive. He did not think it is sleep, and wanted to discuss this later.
BS, in his message from India, referred to Lent, and said that "for all those who like it, desire it, and are committed, all seasons are Lent Seasons. One period of 40 days over, another starts. Time is indivisible. Life too likewise, till man's and Creator's work is done". He "feels the thrust (upward) of the words 'Hear if you have ears' as strongly as when he reads the word 'Hark!' in a Shakespeare play. When he reads the words 'Who stirs?' in King Lear, he instantly recalls what the word 'STOP' intends according to [Gurdjieff]. And he actually stops for two or three breaths. ... all esoteric wisdom leads to the same goal."
"R" had been baby-sitting grandchildren. One of them has a type of autism, Asperger's syndrome. She had been absorbed in her own requirements and lost her temper. It showed that her self image is just a dream about who and what she is, of someone who doesn't lose her temper. Something happened to show that this is not so. She was disgusted with herself. So it was back to square one, as usual.
L had been trying the exercise of "sacrificing anxiety on the altar of consciousness". This was another interesting and subtle exercise. He had checked out its origin, which is partly from a Hindu guru.
T had taken two weeks before remembering the exercise, and then forgot it again after a couple of minutes. She had remembered it a few times since then, and tried to stay with it. She was surprised at discovering she experienced a low level of anxiety most of the time, including during a mundane task of cutting up vegetables, she had an experience of being aware of cutting the vegetables at the same time as being aware of the anxiety. The observing exercise gave a sense of detaching from the anxiety which then seemed to reduce it. Responding to BS, his interpretation of the word "hark" in King Lear felt poignant. It seemed that Lent was his exercise. His comment about when 'Lent' finishes, the next 'Lent' begins reminded her of the creative need of starting to write the next book immediately after finishing one.
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| Calvin and Hobbes by Bill Waterson |
The Meeting then turned to responding to the contributions
Following up L's comments about the month's exercise, D asked about the results. L replied that he had experienced that the act of observing the anxiety led to its dissipation. It is like being in the anxiety, like being aware of the rain and putting up the umbrella. D had experienced the busy-ness of the director of his play after emailing it to him. He said that if you want to get something done, go to someone who is busy. L said that most people like to go to busy cafes, as it suggests the food is good. D disagreed, preferring quieter cafes because he doesn't like crowds.
Responding to D's question about Gurdjieff's concept of self-calming, "R" described it as sending people back to sleep, where they are not open to the anxiety. Her teacher had told her: "we are looking for something to be righteously indignant about". D said that worse than anxiety or anger is boredom. People are frightened of emotional feelings, things they don't want to deal with. Avoidance is sleep too. L said he was reminded of a quote from Herman Hesse, "but secretly we thirst ... for blood, barbarity and night", people are thirsty for danger.
In response to GC's remark about the tiger, to do with anxiety, L was reminded of the maxim of chess grandmaster Aaron Nimzovich, "the threat is stronger than the execution". M said that when you worry you can't make a decision, you're putting off the decision. The decision clarifies the situation. Then the worry changes to a worry about the wrong decision. D opined, rather than do nothing, do something. He said that asthma is a form of suppressed crying. After his friend's funeral, he said to his friend's brother "I'm all cried out". Though D suffers from asthma, he then came off his steroid inhalers and hadn't used them since. Now he is writing; it is like pulling teeth.
He feels lost or closed when not writing. He can only write when the mood takes him.
T suggested to D that he sat down at 9am and wrote how he was feeling at the desk.
D replied that he has done that and it didn't help. "R" asked if he attended to his physical posture at the keyboard, and if he felt more alive when he is writing, more self-present. D said he has to concentrate more, as other things come in and distract. B said that when he is writing by hand, he is more lost in the middle of the writing than in real life. L mentioned the practice of Hemingway to leave a sentence unfinished at the end of a session so that he had something to go back to the next day. He also mentioned Somerset Maugham, who stated that inspiration struck him "every morning at 9 o'clock sharp".At the 9:45 alarm, the Meeting resumed reading from Beelzebub's Tales, beginning with reprising Chapter IX, The Cause of the Genesis of the Moon. As there was much discussion, movement was slow, and in fact did not get as far as the previous month, and no attendee appeared to notice the material (and much of the discussion) was being repeated.
After the reading "R" recommended the forthcoming talk by Peter Brook (director of the movie Meetings with Remarkable Men) at the Gurdjieff Society.
It was decided to repeat the exercise of the previous month, sacrificing anxiety on the altar of consciousness.
