Fear and Presence

The Meeting opened with a silence of one minute to focus and quieten the mind. Each person then gave a presentation of up to two minutes of relevant experiences and thoughts, many from the previous month.

Z remarked on how hard it was to change one's own patterns of behaviour, quite apart from considering that of other people. She has noticed how she can put something down and forget where she has put it only minutes later. She described experiencing frustration about this. She is aware that her periods of being present and aware are momentary.

BW had been feeling that he does not know what he wants to be doing in a grand sense, or who he wants to be. He has been in a state of uncertainty about what he really feels or thinks about the things he has been doing for a long time. It was like waking up as a passenger in a car - many other people may have expectations which he does not share, and it is difficult to maintain a sense of continuity with people close to him.

MG spoke of having thoughts which are uncalled for. He said that every thought is generated by a certain amount of will, and if not by his will, the question is whose. Whose will is supporting habitual behaviour which one would rather not be doing at the time? The will varies in source in two dimensions, of inner world and outside reality, and it is good to be able to separate them and consider which is the real world. In the inner world time does not really exist, as one can "be" somewhere instantly. It is easier than one might think to confidently apply will power.

G had been considering how to deal with indulgent thinking and stupid mental rambles and was finding the best answer was just to get up and do something else.

T, at her art studio, observed that it was easier to eat than do drawing and painting. She was aware she could stop but was able to observe as she did it and felt better. This was a glimpse of the observer kicking in and watching.

[Removed at the request of BS.]

LG spoke of how the practice of art had elements of conflict, it was like a battle, and whilst he had overcome obstacles to successfully write a work of classical music over several months and distribute it to musicians in good time, it was as if the musicians had succumbed, and having failed to practice sufficiently, a full performance had to be cancelled. He experienced resistance to the music reaching the audience in many forms. He was nearly run over by a car mounting the pavement shortly before the concert, and on the eve of the concert the programme was reprinted with his name and piece removed. The use of the internet was a good tool to counter such resistance to the spread of art, and once online it was harder to stop.

"R" had attended an event for which she was expected to present a professional persona, while at the same time having a visitor with her who needed frequent attention. She keeps returning to physical presence as being her anchor, not to think about things succeeding or failing, but rather of a situation as an opportunity to sense her presence.

E had been experiencing negative thoughts after closing a long-established practice in chi gung, and wondered how this could be happening after 17 years work as a practioner, with all the resources and skills she had built up.

LH brought up his experience of fear, and how talking at the Meeting was creating physical reactions in his body symptomatic of it. Fear could be about being present somewhere, or about knowing things.

There followed a discussion on the contributions.

Continuing on the theme of fear, G wondered if we attract the things we fear - if one is scared of a dog it steps forward toward you. Z said that to be afraid of something gives it energy. G thought that we make our own fear and that fears have no foundation in fact. L considered that usual fears are a diversion from the fundamental fear based on the fact that we are on a lump of rock, at the same time, all destined for oblivion, as far as we know. G asked how it was possible to be afraid of oblivion. M wanted to know if anyone had experienced overcoming fear. He gave an example from experience of being asked perform impromptu music in an unfamiliar style, before a large audience, which turned out to be the most appreciated part of the evening's performance.

In response to BW, L thought that those in the acting profession can naturally focus on the issue of identity and purpose, for the successful adoption of roles from drama poses the question as to what role is being acted out in real life. BW elaborated on the instance of luck in careers, which he had formerly not believed in. G said that luck increases for those who are proactive.

The Meeting then resumed the reading of Beelzebub's Tales, clockwise round the table.

In the context of an argument between children about how to catch a pigeon, Gurdjieff included the following section in a contrasting style of language:

"...Suppose it is true that the greatest physical force of the pigeon is concentrated in that big toe, then all the more, what we've got to do is to see that just that toe will be caught in the noose. Only then will there be any sense to our aim – that is to say, for catching these unfortunate pigeon creatures – in that brain-particularity proper to all possessors of that soft and slippery 'something' which consists in this, that when, thanks to other actions, from which its insignificant manifestability depends, there arises a periodic requisite law conformable what is called 'change of presence,' then this small so to say 'law conformable confusion' which should proceed for the animation of other acts in its general functioning, immediately enables the center of gravity of the whole functioning, in which this slippery 'something' plays a very small part, to pass temporarily from its usual place to another place, owing to which there often obtains in the whole of this general functioning, unexpected results ridiculous to the point of absurdity."

There was a discussion on the significance of the phrase slippery 'something', as to whether it meant an aspect of consciousness difficult to sustain, or whether it meant nothing. The fight scene continues with a description which may refer to a change of consciousness, and a visual metaphor introducing one of Gurdjieff's abstract concepts:

"From this blow, I, as is said, 'saw stars', ... After a little time ... I then actually discovered that some foreign substance was in my mouth, and when I pulled it out with my fingers, it turned out to be nothing less than a tooth of large dimensions and strange form. ... This strange tooth had seven shoots and at the end of each of them there stood out in relief a drop of blood, and through each separate drop there shone clearly and definitely one of the seven aspects of the manifestation of the white ray."

As the Meeting was about to close, "R" suggested it might be beneficial to practice an exercise during the coming month, in addition to considering the reading. The exercise agreed upon was to remember, every day, to look at the time around midday, and again in the evening.