Votive Motive

The meeting began at 9am with a silence of one minute. Then observations of relevant experiences since the previous Meeting were shared.

BS said [Removed at the request of BS.]

BW had been continuing meditation twice a day and writing as well. These activities are becoming habitual. As for eating and being eaten, he is aware that he can be eaten by a lust for instincts. There is a part of him that can take over in that moment, controlled by an ulterior motive. He can sublimate those instincts into his art.

This reminded D of an occasion when he gave a talk at the library after his book launch; unexpectedly he found himself in a situation where he had to preside over events. He just got on with the talk, and followed it with a question and answer session. The main theme was anxiety and depression, which he was able to talk about easily. It went so well, it was as some natural force took over. Somehow in this circumstance he climbed out of the dark pit, how free he felt! It was like two realities battling within. Emotions overrode any rationality.

RM said that over the past year he had developed the Fourth Way thinking, the practical application of the Fourth Way going back to Ouspensky's teaching. He ran a three hour workshop on this the previous Thursday evening. He was aware of communicating these ideas, and the sense of presence he experienced was unbelievable. He was a worker in that field to help people, and acknowledges that he doesn't do anything, it just happens, the laws of nature work, cause and effect. The cause started some time ago. The effect is on what he does, being present to that flow, which is extraordinary.

L had noticed different states where there has been a growing wakefulness. On one occasion, walking downhill to where he lives, he let the walking happen rather than doing the walking. It felt easier and faster and very freeing. He felt this was self-observation. There was something doing the walking. He let it get on with doing what it was doing. A sub-system that was operating. He had the experience of the multiple functionalities of whatever creature he was. In relation to the reading and the concept of the "law of falling", this experience did feel a bit like falling. By falling into this activity without interfering, he experienced that there is more space in which to observe.

T had looked through a year of sketchbooks, and noticed a difference in the quality of the drawings. The earlier ones are where she used figure/ground for the proportion, without any other frame of reference. Later she began using the floorboards as a way of measuring the picture, and a concertina door with regular intervals at the back of the figure. The framework was found in the actual reality in front of her. She then began to use the classical technique of measuring with the pencil in front of her eye to create a grid on the paper, in order to better see what went where in the drawing. What she saw when looking through the drawings is that by using the figure ground framework that she looked for in what she was seeing in front of her gave rise to a framework that was visible in the figure and made it look wooden or quite artificial as if the structure was embodied in the figure. But by creating a framework that didn't exist in the material reality seen by her eyes but was a measuring tool creating a grid in between her and the figure/ground it gave rise to proportions that were different, and to drawings that seemed to be not by her, but by another agency. This felt like a shift from one habitual behaviour to another habitual behaviour.

Windsor Painted Antique Chair,
by Stephen Kilburn,
Massachusetts, USA.

"R" considered money to be an enabling function. If you are really hungry in your search for something, you should bring your attention to every possible moment that you remember. Inspiration of the moment frees you enough to be open to something, aligning yourself with some kind of energy. The poor rural craftsmen who made their own chairs, put beautiful decorations on those chairs.

RM talked of moving from habit to presence. When the three brains work in harmony, there is a relationship between them, almost like another centre. When all three centres are working together, they have to move very slowly, at the speed of the slowest part.

L suggested as hypothesis the existence of a fourth centre, the artistic or creative centre, which moves at a slower pace still. RM thought this might effectively be the synthesis of the other three. When the three centres are out of balance you can see the dominance of one of the three. There is the demonic and the spiritual in battle with each other. When you are doing the work of self-remembering and you take this with you into the arts it is a truly spiritual pursuit. You have to be real, you have to be here now. Then the process is grounded, self-directed and harmonious. You can ask the same question about art as you can about money. Who is in charge? Are you in charge of your money or is your money in charge of you?

Pablo Picasso

L said that if an artist is open to the Muse, he is not open to the agent. Great art is inspired by the Muse, and does not get in the news. It is reactive and political art which is reported by the media. Art is part of human nature - Picasso said "Every child is an artist". His painting Guernica was a commission from the Spanish Government, but his earlier "blue period" paintings were a freer expression of his spirit with no financial or political motive.

"R" queried in what way early artists doing cave paintings were engaged in self-observation. L suggested that whether cave man or modern artist, the person is translating three dimensions into two, and has to be an observer, and whatever is painted is portrayed through the lens of that observer and in that sense acts like a mirror. T thought that "primitive" peoples might have been more aware than we are now. A said that great artists don't do it for money. There were great artists during the depression. She asked RM how to tell if one is grounded - we are always slaves.

The Meeting then resumed the reading of Beelzebub's Tales. The description of the spacecraft's propulsion system continues...

Striving to find an outlet from this, for them constricted, interior, they naturally press also against the lid of the cylinder-barrel, and thanks to the said hinges the lid opens and, having allowed these expanded substances to escape, immediately closes again. And as in general Nature abhors a vacuum, then simultaneously with the release of the expanded gaseous substances the cylinder-barrel is again filled with fresh substances from outside, with which in their turn the same proceeds as before, and so on without end.

Thus the substances are always being changed, and the lid of the cylinder-barrel alternately opens and shuts.  

To this same lid there is fixed a very simple lever which moves with the movement of the lid and in turn sets in motion certain also very simple 'cogwheels' which again in their turn revolve the fans attached to the sides and stern of the ship itself...

Discussing these passages, the Meeting assumed they pertained to psychological metaphor. L noted that Freud used the metaphor of thermodynamics in his psychodynamics model of the mind, being familiar with the work of the scientist Helmholtz. Similarly we, in our time, see computers as a metaphor for the mind.

Following the reading, it was decided to continue the same exercise as the previous month.

Holy Crap

BS, in his message from India, spoke of possible symbolism in images of Shiva. The closed eyes stop energy from going out. The crescent moon may represent balance and growth. The Ganges flowing out of his hair may represent new birth. The trident may be about time - past, present and future, with the middle one, representing the present, being the sharpest. On his left, the damru (small drum) may be an instrument of awakening, and the snake a symbol of subtle energy or of facing fear. 

The bull shows sheer power and health. The energy of the pindi (or body) is considered to flow down, and if that flow is stopped, it will rise up, hence the Ganges depicted flowing from the head, "activating Higher Intellectual Centre ...In some images of Shiva, there is shown a bowl hanging above from which water is falling drop by drop falling on Pindi and going down to the earth.  Or life passing breath by breath. Second by second, centuries pass."

BW has been meditating twice daily, and been experimenting with lucid dreaming, and has succeeded in having two lucid dreams. He has managed to complete a play to a specific deadline. On the other hand he had a simple form to complete in five minutes, but it took him hours to get round to filling it in. He has been reading about enneagram personality types, and recognised himself as type 3, as one who seeks approval from external sources.

D has put his project for extra meetings on hold, as there have been obstacles to the arrangements for venue.  There is so much work going on in the flats, replacing radiators - it is going on for weeks, the noise and commotion! He can't write at the moment, and is reducing what he does. He watches TV. Football is a distraction from the neck and back pain that he is experiencing. However today he felt more present, and woke up to come to the Meeting in the rain.

RM appreciated BS's email about Shiva, which he has been thinking about in the context of his reinterpretation of the Bhagavad Gita. He thinks it is about the death and birth of Shiva. It occurred to him that this whole thing about death is that it destroys the past. He thinks Shiva destroys the past, that everything he holds onto must be destroyed before he can move on. By not feeling consumed by the past, the next moment comes alive. "Consuming the past feeds the present". When he works practically with this attitude, e.g. building a motor car or anything, letting everything go in the past, he feels so much alive.

L said he had found the mindfulness exercise useful, and had used an app as suggested the previous month. It had been interesting to give attention to a part of the body using GC's trigger of when one feels uncomfortable with what one is doing. He has also been experiencing a growing congruence between different aspects of his life and work. Our culture separates art from science and he thinks it is possible to approach everything the same way. In more than one aspect of his work he is using Fibonacci ratios and golden rectangles.

Over the past month M has experienced trying to remember himself. There is always a choice to do something or not, always a reason to put something off (i.e. forces to put one to sleep again). If reviewing to-do lists shows that more things are being done, it is like a personal victory to staying awake.

T has observed that applying the technique of cursing the cursers to her own family, as in the story of Karapet of Tiflis, she is cursing her own parents and grandparents. We are all related so by cursing the cursers she is cursing herself. She has adapted the procedure following this realisation.

GC has been advised to try an exercise of becoming aware of his right arm, and finds he can be thus absorbed, but thinks he also needs to be aware of the outside world. There is an issue of how to combine these two types of observation.

"R" recalled that since being small, she has had the intuition that consciousness means being more aware of oneself. She has tried for a long time to be aware of every cell in her body, but always, eventually, stops being awake, and wonders why the state of wakefulness cannot by sustained. She thinks that working with other people with the same aim can help. Like D, she has an aching back which is very uncomfortable; and it is very strange, but when she is dreaming about something, the ache disappears. She thinks that it should be the other way round, that the pain should go when in a state of wakefulness.

The Meeting then considered responses to the initial contributions.

Responding to GC, D said he had to combine both internal and external experience. He thinks his pain is not just a pain, but is to do with what's going on around him. The constant refurbishment of his flat is annoying. He was a victim of authority in childhood, and can become too subjective - he feels he has to get over the obsession with himself. Walking over the Heath, being in nature always helps him. Walking through the concrete jungle, sometimes the song of a robin wakes him up. He has been talking to RM, who goes abroad frequently - the journeys help wake him up. T asked if the workers at his flat were waking him up. She said things happen to stop her working - when she begins her work, external noise will sometimes start at that precise moment, "on the dot". Perhaps the workers are providing a shock. RM said there is no shortage of external shocks, though they might not be noticed - these shocks can give energy.

M returned to the subject of meditation - you should keep in mind how you are and how you would like to be. This gives an indication of how you might improve. Over time, slowly, this type of meditation changes one's life. "R" quoted from the Bhagavad Gita, "No effort is wasted".

RM had been asking, what is a balanced life? At the start of the day, the world is in balance, then the day brings changes. On a recent voyage he had been invited to run a meditation group - this can go inwards (candles and sandals brigade) or outward (also an escape) - when getting a balance he felt a harmony. GC said that when he is experiencing balance, it finishes. He recommended reading the book Inside a Question, and asked BW to read out an excerpt:

I should end with a saying by Mr Gurdjieff: "Only two possibilities are open to Man, either to eat or be eaten by all these things we trust or obey."

GC queried if it is necessary to obey them, he needed vision and asked for comment by "R", who replied that everything in the universe feeds on something else - we in our turn may be working to feed something else; maybe all this agonising is part of the wastage of energy. We can try to get closer to energy that motivates the universe, which may be expressing itself. If we say eat or be eaten, we are speaking of an instinctive understanding to transform courser substances into finer ones. L quoted Dostoevsky, "Beauty will save the world". M said you are eaten with aggravation when things don't go your way. That "going wrong" is your being eaten. Z said that in the extract read out, she had a resistance to the word "obey". She prefers "obedience". Obedience to what you know is right, what effort to make.

D asked if one would know what to do if one were more present. RM said this would be the case. GC provided a counter-example - becoming aware that a backgammon opponent is better doesn't make you better, even if you are in the present. He recommended reading "Gurdjieff for Beginners" and did not agree with the monthly reading from Beelzebub's Tales.

The period for responses completed, the Meeting continued with the reading from Beelzebub's Tales. Beelzebub actually begins his tales to his grandson, talking of the strange beings inhabiting the third planet of the solar system to which he had been exiled:

The external coatings of the three-brained beings of that planet Earth closely resemble our own; only, first of all, their skin is a little slimier than ours, and then, secondly, they have no tail, and their heads are without horns. What is worst about them is their feet, namely, they have no hoofs; it is true that for protection against external influences they have invented what they call 'boots' but this invention does not help them very much.

Apart from the imperfection of their exterior form, their Reason also is quite 'uniquely strange.' ...  has gradually degenerated, and at the present time, is very, very strange and exceedingly peculiar.

Before Beelzebub can elaborate, the Captain arrives and a discussion, apparently on developments in spacecraft technology, ensues.

For an exercise until the next meeting, "R" proposed one on the eating theme, what one eats and how one eats - eating on all levels. Reduce it to trying to be present when picking up knife and fork. Self belief and confidence are important, as is having a sense of audience.

Mindfulness and the Bell

The meeting began at 9am. A silence of one minute was observed. D distributed copies of his proposal for more frequent meetings, and regards from RM were passed on, who was travelling, but would be attending the next month.

Each person present then volunteered a presentation, for up to two minutes, of relevant experiences from the previous month.

BS, whose messages are now being forwarded in advance to attendees, [Removed at the request of BS.] "... in India people used to fast on Mondays in reverence to Lord Shiva, God of Death, thus remembering death every week which can empower the mind to face any fear provided it is not done mechanically"). He wished BW well for finishing his play, suggesting there should be a Start command as well as a Stop one, from his own self, "bulldozing the resisting 'I'".

BW has noticed that he feels different now compared to when he joined in February; periods of self-remembering are short but they are coming more frequently. He is experiencing times of anger and frustrations, and sometimes bickering with others more frequently than in the past. He feels these feelings and observes them. In terms of D's letter, anything that will make him become more aware is going to be beneficial. He does have a desire to take things further.

Z related that although she valued meditation, it was hard for her to get around to it. But she has discovered a new app for her phone, Mindfulness Bell (for iPhone or Android), which you can set as often as you like. It has been good for her. She also would like to meet more often than once a month.

M had noticed, when reviewing some of the literature which he hadn't read for years, that he now has a different understanding. It is showing him that he is adding to his understanding all the time. He was impressed with the accumulation of knowledge that he has, that is showing only now, a long time after he read it. He was quite thrilled.

T had been experimenting with what troubled her the most in the last reading, about the concept of cursing the cursers who do not wish to be woken up. She thought that it is because she is bringing the idea of art, which is a naturally subversive influence, into an institution, that the staff are ill at ease with what she represents. She tried the practice before going to work, and was very surprised that the experience of her days felt different, and she felt less ill at ease. She then forgot to do it one day, and experienced feeling ill at ease at work. It was only after a day of familiar awful feelings that she remembered that one of the ingredients of the day was that she had not cursed the cursers. This second experience came as a surprise to her and reinforced the changed experience of the days when she had remembered. She was doing this to protect herself in an unsympathetic environment to better enable her to fulfil her function within the system.

D has been experiencing emotional blackmail, succumbing to pressure to do things. He has theatre friends doing a play and because they came to see his, he felt an obligation to say "Yes" to going but now he is angry with himself.

L recalled reading a news item from the elections in Venezuela, which seemed to resonate with discussions at the Meetings. Chávez, who faces a serious illness, has begun referring to himself in the third person, in a thought-provoking way, as if he is putting ego aside. In a recent rally he said, "I have made many mistakes, but I am here with all my soul. Chávez is not me. Chávez is the people. Chávez will not fail you the next term ... during the next term he will be a better president, more efficient, a better companion." Meanwhile his opponent Capriles described the election as a "spiritual battle".

All present had spoken, and the Meeting moved to the stage of responding to them.

Following up Z's suggestion of the iPhone app, BW was reminded of the phrase, "the truth, the whole truth, and anything else that works". G asked if the individual is the best person to decide what they need to do to wake up, and L responded that he thought we need others to bring ourselves back to wakefulness. G said he was interested to meet more often, if people were serious. As self-remembering is so difficult, the more frequent back-up of a group would be useful, to be able to discuss it. Gurdjieff teaches that we have to be in control, to stop automatic behaviours so we then have a set of choices as to what we decide to do. L mentioned that there is a technique to avoid automatic behaviour, by throwing a dice to decide which of several actions would be taken. This allows something outside of yourself to randomly decide the choice of action. G agreed but stressed that none of the choices should be dangerous. L referred to the research of Ralph Nelson Elliott which indicated that society en masse is likewise subject to automatic behaviour, that on a bigger scale there may be something at work driving the movement in the stock market, as on the smaller scale of individual consciousness there is something at work driving the movement of the individual, or in the physical body where the leg jerks if tapped below the knee. Elliot called his book Nature's Law - The Secret of the Universe, a reference to his belief that the patterns he had discovered were universal.

On the benefits of rereading familiar material, D agreed with M, having had similar experiences coming back to books read in the past. He had read Steppenwolf three times, in his twenties, forties and sixities, and loved it each time, though experiencing it differently with each reading. G had loved Knulp, finding it a "lovely, evocative book", and also found Knut Hamsun's novel, Hunger, brilliant. L recalled standing in front of a wall of books at a large Cambridge bookshop, and asking his finger to fall on the most important book for him to read. It had landed on The Glass Bead Game, which he had much enjoyed, in particular some of the poems at the end, like the reflective Stages. Z had found Journey to the East particularly meaningful.

The discussion ended at this point. Introductions were made to F, who had recently finished reading Beelzebub's Tales, and is at present studying the Pistis Sophia in relation to a "lost gospel" which the National Geographic reported found in 2006.

The reading of Beelzebub's Tales then resumed. Chapter 2 opens with a dramatic change of scene, being set in a star ship.

Through the Universe flew the ship Karnak of the "transspace" communication.

In this chapter we are introduced to Beelzebub and his eponymous grandson, Hassein. There was much discussion over the symbolism or otherwise, of this part of this chapter. L observed that the description of one part of the space-craft as a bell-like enclosure, fitted with the use of the bell as a symbol of awakening in the story of Karapet of Tiflis.

At the time of this narrative, Beelzebub with Hassein ... were seated on the highest "Kasnik," that is, on the upper deck of the ship Karnak under the "Kalnokranonis," somewhat resembling what we should call a large "glass bell," ...

This meeting was soon brought to an end when

... it was reported to Beelzebub that the captain of their ship wished to speak with him ...

and there the chapter and the reading ended, as scheduled at 10:30.

There was a discussion about which exercise to practice for the coming month. L pointed out that two-way remembering is not a Gurdjieff exercise, but was invented by Ouspensky, who himself described it as possibly a very incomplete, definition of "self-remembering". Z recalled an exercise from a group she had been in, to concentrate physical awareness of a part of the body, e.g. a foot. This could be triggered by a feeling of anger, or sorrowfulness for oneself. G suggested, as a trigger, to do the exercise at any time when one is not happy with what one is doing.

Cursing and Rehearsing

The meeting began at 9am with a silence of one minute, followed by a presentation by some of those present, for up to two minutes, of relevant experiences over the previous month.

BS, in his message from India, related [Removed at the request of BS.] Paraphrasing Rabindranath Tagore, his experience reflected the opening of one of that artist's verses:

I slept, I dreamt, that life was beauties.
I woke, I found that life was duties.

[Removed at the request of BS.]

BW related that this could be his last meeting for a few months. He is moving out of London. He is conscious of his behaviour and habitual movements, which he can stop at will. He has written the fourth draft of his latest play. He is aware of not wanting to sit down and write and having to force himself so to do.

"R" had read the notes of the previous meeting, which seemed to her to be related to fear, yet in contrast there was celebration going on in the world around us, a courageous joyful energy which is quite extraordinary, nothing to do with the political situation, opposite to the pessimism of Ouspensky. Strangers talking to each other, not just at the carnival, something spontaneous coming forth which is longed for inside herself and is generally not noticeable. Is it totally a product of sleep? Is there something afoot, some undercurrent in us here?

RM had set up a major project for him to re-interpret the Bhagavad Gita and the Tao Te Ching. He has been working on it for a couple of hours a day. He said we are always in the middle. Whenever you go one way, you have to go the other way. A chess player has to play with the pieces. The key is to keep himself safe. How important it is, not to run away to the sandals and candles brigade.

L had been unable to do two way self remembering, partly because he was not sure what it was. But he had found the chess metaphor interesting, in that as a chess-player might already be in a self-observant state, if he were self-remembering it might be an additional degree of remembering.

D chose to read from a sheet he had found at a church in Brighton, and been very impressed by. It included an account of looking at a flower in a state of extreme mindfulness. He concluded by asking whether this example of the Buddhist practice of mindfulness was over the top?

In contrast, T recounted that when looking at a flower and trying to paint it, she has had feelings of hating the flower, because she has found it so difficult to see it at all, and to translate what is difficult to see into paint.

There being no further contributions from those attending, the Meeting then moved to responses to what had been said.

Z said that when she comes into a state of mindfulness, her eyesight becomes clearer, she is not just focusing on one thing. RM said that the reason for her improved eyesight is that the body adjusts to loving illusion; the eyes adjust, the eyes settle to one reality.

M related mindfulness to beingness (a term from Scientology). D's reading had pointed out the difference in depths of perception, we should know just what the terms mean. In meditation you usually have to make an improvement in an event you would like to see happen. How do you know that you are doing the right thing? A meditative period is useful if it helps you make a decision, and should have a purpose, for example whether or not your depth of perception has been increased. Afterwards ask, has anything happened in the meditation or not? Has there been communication from a higher plane? Meditation has to be linked to an action, otherwise it remains a thought. What is the purpose of meditation? There is a comparison between how things are and how one would like things to be.

Z said that she had never heard that idea about meditation.

L's understanding of meditation was that it was not about having a purpose, but rather letting all thoughts go.

GC is meditation one thing for every body? People at the Meeting had differing ideas as to what it was. His idea for meditation is that a person is who they are by viewing their own behaviour. When do you begin to observe yourself? You recognise an action, its very hard not to judge. Principles, honesty and values are requisite.

"R" said that mindfulness is a feeling of emptiness, a feeling of utter boredom. There may be a fear of one's nothingness. Empty isn't bad, it's truth. There are less riches stored up in the inner bank account than we would like.

D spoke of the fear of not coming out of the emptiness. Essence is emptiness, and doesn't have a a lot of luggage. Mind is not different from essence. They are connected. It's easier in the ashram. Being mindful that a thought comes in.

L related this idea to a theme in Scarlett Thomas's latest novel, Our Tragic Universe, in which the heroine, told in childhood by a fortune teller that she would come to nothing, comes to understand in adulthood that is a worthy goal, a zen-like renunciation of identity.

M asked what entity was using the mind subject to will.

It being 9:45am, the Meeting then continued with the Reading from Beelzebub's Tales To His Grandson.

In this final part of the introductory chapter, Gurdjieff is explaining that his attempt to awaken the reader might elicit resistance, and to explain this introduces the character Karapet of Tiflis, whose job it was to awaken the railway workers every morning with a piercing whistle which unwittingly disturbed the whole town. In turn, Karapet intoduces his own character, a dog-catcher.

Just when my friend the barber-surgeon beckoned me to stop, he was aiming to throw his net, at the opportune moment, at his next victim, which at that moment was standing wagging his tail and looking at a bitch. My friend was just about to throw his net, when suddenly the bells of a neighboring church rang out, calling the people to early morning prayers. At such an unexpected ringing in the morning quiet, the dog took fright and springing aside flew off like a shot down the empty street at his full canine velocity.

Then the barber-surgeon so infuriated by this that his hair, even beneath his armpits, stood on end, flung his net on the pavement and spitting over his left shoulder, loudly exclaimed:

'Oh, Hell! What a time to ring!'

G asked for an explanation of this passage, and L said it was structured as a story within a story within a story, in each case about the discomfort of being abruptly awoken from sleep or reverie.

Continuing with the reading, Karapet realises that he himself must be cursed every morning by the townsfolk.

I, continuing to ponder, came to the conclusion that if I should curse beforehand all those to whom my service for the benefit of certain among them might seem disturbing, then ... however much all those ... might curse me, it would have ... no effect on me at all.

And in fact, since I began to do so, I no longer feel the said instinctive uneasiness.

T said she had been greatly affected by the reading but couldn't recall why exactly at the start of the Meeting. She had been exceptionally busy and was consequently quite exhausted and had not got anything to report about the Work over the month. But this part of the reading reminded her what point she had been affected by, about cursing others before they curse her. She was troubled by this as it felt against her nature to curse others. G made the point that this pre-emptive cursing acts as a protection for her to do her work.

As the Meeting ended, it was decided again to try the two-way self-remembering exercise. In response to a query from L, RM explained that this was the two-headed arrow. (This exercise does not come from Gurdjieff, and the idea was first mentioned, with reservations, by Ouspensky in his book In Search Of The Miraculous.)

Feeling the Fear

The meeting began at 9am with a silence of one minute, followed by a presentation by those who wanted, for up to two minutes, of relevant experiences over the previous month.

[Removed at the request of BS.]

Z related her experience of the exercise during the month. She had tried the counting a couple of times, but she found it too "loud". It did not help her to be present, and was not useful for her. Whenever the thought came to her about time, which was never on the hour, she looked at the time which gave her an awakeness for two of the times during the month.

D had got caught up in the Olympics. He had become convinced how wonderful it is, and observed that he is quite nationalistic. To get to the Meeting he had had to be really disciplined, and turn the TV off at 10pm, but could not resist watching again this morning, Jessica Ennis and the whole thing. He was aware of himself getting carried away, and was amazed the way they cried. Then he noticed that he was crying himself. It was unbelievable. But he was quite present now.

RM said that the issue of self-remembering has been a core issue. Was it possible? He keeps going back to Gurdjieff work to help with this. Gurdjieff refers to items to do to help self-remembering but he finds that even these tasks can still lose their meaning. Is this loss of meaning in the tasks that are to help self-remembering a self-regulating factor that keeps him awake? He finds that a perpetual reminding gets so familiar it stops reminding him. Another task for self-remembering is to be aware of what his vices are, to see when they arise. One vice, for example, is sugar. Every time he wants something that is sweet, it is an opportunity to remember that desire is beginning to work. As soon as a desire tugs at him and he observes this tug, self-remembering is happening. In the Bible it is the parable about God casting out the devil. Casting the devil out is casting out a desire, this is something that can bring about permanent change.

For L, it had been two months since the last meeting. It was hard for him to pick out something to remember. He has been battling against resistance to doing his creative art. He is experiencing inspiration, waking up every morning with music. He had read what GC brought last time, the article by Maurice Nicoll on essence and personality. If essence develops by devouring personality, as Nicoll suggests, then perhaps doing creative art is a mechanism by which that can happen. The Olympics have been inspiring, a global self-observation. The athletes have had to conquer personality to a large extent. What is left? Is there a benefit to them? Is it a purely physical thing? Winning in the 10,000 metre race last night looked like a spiritual moment for the athlete, but this did not seem the case in all the events.

T had tried the 60 second counting several times during the month at different times and circumstances and found that after 12 or 13 her attention had drifted to something else. One example was at a time of heightened stress and anxiety when she had to get to a hospital appointment. During the humidity and heat rushing to the station she remembered the 1 - 60 as a way of getting above the stress and watching herself stressed. Even at this supposed heightened anxious state, when she managed to remember to start counting, the count petered out at 12 or 13, and after a while she was aware that she was still on her way but the counting had ceased and the rushing was to the fore again.

B had noticed, over the last month, that he acts in ways he thinks people want him to behave. He asked himself what is the point of coming here today. As he arrived he noticed people at the entrance. Part of him wanted to step back to avoid involvement. He has created this personality and has to act like that a lot of the time. He has an uneasy sense of who he is.

The Meeting then moved to respond to the two-minute contributions.

Z said that RM was more than the "vices" he spoke of.

L commented that BS focuses on self-observation by using his initials rather than the word "I" in his messages.

RM said that he was looking for role models, e.g. a top concert pianist, to emulate the discipline and drive necessary to be at the top. What is it that keeps them going? He is trying to do that as an opera singer with a teacher, and practices two hours a day. There are bits he is really struggling with. He has to slide through all the notes and doesn't know if he'll ever do it. He is putting himself in the position to explore, to experiment, to discover himself. M thought that doing this would increase beingness. RM continued that he wanted to be a top artist, and that this world is his work of art. If he can keep his home tidy and nice, it is inspiring to enter, it is home, but if it's a junk heap and nothing is in order then that is what he presents to himself and it is never going to be inspiring and helpful to his senses. He plays the trumpet. The instrument is perfect. He is the player and he is practicing to meet the potential offered to him by the instrument.

To B, M commented: "To find out who you really are, you have to ask yourself how many motivations you have got for what tasks. What tasks are to do with personality and what are to do with essence? You are born into two dimensions, the inner world which is your own private world and the outer world. You have to differentiate these two worlds otherwise you won't know which world you're operating in, either in the world of essence, or in the world of personality." L said that at the Meeting, there is no expectation to be in a role, it is about questioning roles, which can be uncomfortable. B responded that at the Meetings, he has a sense of spiritual being that should be a part of him. He tries to be that in some way. He recognises that one of the reasons for attending is that here he is not pretending to be someone else. L asked if this was the opposite to acting. B replied that he feels as if he is always acting. He struggles to think of when he isn't because he's within it. RM said to B that these feelings are appropriate, as it is impossible to progress without conscious suffering; seeing what one's tendencies are as opposed to one's will, sets up a confusion battle. Facing our natural tendencies - this is where one is wanting to go, it is a battle of consciousness. B said that he struggles to differentiate between a straight impulse and an automatic tendency. RM gave an example - on waking at 6am his natural tendency is to sleep on. There are hundreds of possible choices happening all day long. The natural tendency is to not have a will, is to say no to a will. B agreed that sometimes he could see that this is the case - he does recognise that he forces himself to attend; he can differentiate the two. RM said that if there is a battle work with it. There are two drivers, one is desire, one is love. That will override everything. Desire for sugar, desire to smoke a cigarette but the love driver becomes stonger and stronger. This is what spirituality means, this is part of our desire, the desire for sprituality.

D asked M, "What is essence?" M responded that "Essence is the essential part of art. It is in two worlds. An eternal drive or energy which is within everyone." D wondered if art is the blossom of essence, or if essence feeds on art. He recounted how when Nijinsky was dancing he felt like he was God. He tried to do everything himself, the choreography, the stage set, the dancing and he cracked up. He thought he could do anything when he was 'in the zone'. When the athletes win they are in the zone. L wondered what were the drivers for these Olympic athletes? Do they love their sport or are they addicted to adrenalin? Is it a battle or are they doing what they think is right? Are they doing what they love? T opined that she can never know what someone else's driver is, she can only try to know her own. RM said that in conquering their body one of the drivers is ego - use a thorn to remove a thorn. Use ego to drive you forward, then throw the last thorn away. He would love to be famous. The next thorn might be desire to be a guru. Each successive thorn gets a little smaller.

D asked what happens after an athlete wins. So what! T recalled that she reached that "so what" point after 3 years of Art College. The pain of the last fortnight for the degree show. Painting a painting solidly for a fortnight, Monday to Friday 9-5. The tutor said it was the best work he had seen come through the life room in all his tutoring there. This was praise indeed and yet it came at a high price. The pain of the effort, the pain of the concentrated effort, the attention, the giving up of doing anything else. Then after college she sank like a stone. She had to pay the rent and for the next 5 years she worked and this gave her the best distraction from continuing the work of painting, facing the pain of the hard work of art. She loved painting, and was a natural - loved the beauty she saw in the world and wanted to paint it. But the inordinate pressure to perform for the degree show was too much, too intense. Like the athletes in their twenties facing the intensity of what they have to do to achieve winning in competitions. They have to give up other involvements in life to focus. This is a big demand on the young people. They can attain success in the sport and find themselves or lose themselves through it.

The reading from Beelzebub's Tales then continued.

 ...the practice was automatically acquired in me on beginning anything new and also at any change, of course on a large scale, always to utter silently or aloud:

"If you go on a spree then go the whole hog including the postage."

RM said that is a tendency to latch onto something and go no further. In Advaita Vedanta there are no boundaries. Keep going beyond, looking beyond, don't get attached to anything in particular, all possibilities are there. He mentioned RamanaMaharshi's "choiceless awareness". Suffer the difference. Why disagree? The first chapter is to put people off. It tells you what the challenge is, and to investigate from all sides, to discover at all costs. RM then read out his summary of Gurdjieff's three primary aims. RM also said that Gurdjieff talked about one third of waking life should be dedicated to oneself, another third to the health of the community and a third dedicated to the science of all humanity. He added that external forces are always there, that the devil is in us,  if we allow ourselves to do battle with him all the time. He quoted "Drink deep or else touch not the sacred spring". This line, from a Presbyterian text, is an altered form from Alexander Pope's "An Essay on Criticism", 1709:

A little learning is a dangerous thing;
drink deep, or taste not the Pierian spring:
there shallow draughts intoxicate the brain,
and drinking largely sobers us again.

The reading continued.

" ... I now still wish to make a sincere confession to you about the associations arisen within me which as a result have precipitated in the corresponding sphere of my consciousness the data which have prompted the whole of my individuality to select as the chief hero for my writings just such an individual as is presented before your inner eyes by this same Mr. Beelzebub. This I did, not without cunning. My cunning lies simply in the logical supposition that if I show him this attention he infallibly – as I already cannot doubt any more – has to show himself grateful and help me by all means in his command in my intended writings."

L wondered about the portent of this, as he tries to be available to the Muse, as a channel for the art and trusts that means of distribution will transpire.

As the Meeting closed, it was decided, as an exercise for the coming month, to try the practice mentioned by BS of two-way self-remembering. M described it as "observing your feelings or thoughts and being aware that you are observing your feelings or thoughts". RM described it as "practising being the silent witness"; there is a difference between controlling thoughts and directing thoughts.

M recalled an old verse which he had found significant:

"Here abide Three. The man who slayeth his Master. The Master who saveth the man. The Spirit whose Word buildeth. And they abide as One."

RM advised, re counting, that it is best not to go to double figures, but for example to count from 9 down to zero and back again, using steps or heart beat to pace oneself. Z thought that maybe she needed to count slower. She had not been using double figures.

E responded to B, sharing her experience of acting many years ago. She said that lines are learned and then spoken on the night, but the lines are not your lines. When she delivered lines in front of an audience, she experienced being aware of herself speaking the lines, and then also became aware of another level where she was aware of herself being aware of herself delivering the lines which were not hers, but which she was saying as though they were her words. This experience freaked her out and she thought she was going mad. She ran into the wings to speak to her fellow actors about this. As fellow actors they had also experienced it  and reassured her that she was not going mad. She said that it was very scary to her at the time. It was years later that she realised this particular "acting" experience could be an immensely helpful tool for trying to understand the nature of "ordinary" human discourse. Acting allows you to play at relating to others by using words that are not your own and yet these words are learned and spoken by you as if they were your own.

Oil and Toil

The Meeting opened with a silence of one minute.

Each person present was then invited to present a two minute account of relevant experiences since the previous time.

In a message from India, BS raised two issues. [Removed at the request of BS.] He applied some techniques given by Charles.T. Tart in his book Living the Mindful Life, which draws heavily from Gurdjieff's ideas. [Removed at the request of BS.]

D has been aware of the aging process, aches and pains, falling out with a few friends. He moved into a new flat 6 months ago, and has projects in the pipeline, but can't write, He had written a follow up to one earlier piece of writing. He has been watching all the sport, seeing the challenges, the failures or triumphs - he is aware of his mortality, and that the whole world is in flux politically. He drew a parallel between the TV news coverage on the banker and the Russian Revolution 100 years ago, which had been about the poor rising up because the riches were in the hands of the few. Nothing has changed, we are still in this same state, we are stooping low. Sigmund Freud said humankind hasn't risen that high. He realised the truth of this in himself.

BW said he could so easily not have come to the Meeting. It was a struggle to get there. He has not made progress, instead being caught up in what he was doing externally, not being present with internal exercises. He had felt he could not justify doing the 12pm and 5pm checking of the time. He spent the first week trying to do the reminding task but as for the rest of the month it was not until the day before the Meeting that he remembered. He wondered if this was the consequence of putting effort the month before into the radio play. He had a note on his desk of BS's interpretation of Einstein'a equation

E=MC² (where E stands for Effect, M for Mission and C for concentration)

which had pushed him to go further in his writing than he would otherwise have done.

Z spoke of her experience with the time exercise. She hadn't remembered at 12pm or 5pm, but at different times.She had been moved by reading the maxim from the Beelzebub paragraphs:

"If you go on a spree then go the whole hog including the postage."

This is what Gurdjieff did all the time in his life and he went in amazing directions, putting everything into what he did - looking at herself, she didn't do this. She recognised that she was holding back in different ways, and the message from the paragraphs freed her up "to go and get it".

M said a question had arisen in his mind through meditation as to what is the important thing to meditate on. The problem he faced was keeping his mind under control. Not all thoughts that come into his head are  going in the direction he wants them to. He thought it important to direct them to the area of greatest importance, for example thinking on how to be a more efficient person, but he finds himself thinking about sport instead. He asked how he could have more control over thoughts and feelings to make progress in this direction.

"R" related that, having suggested the time exercise in the first place, she promptly forgot it and continued as before with the techniques she uses daily to remind her of herself. By trying to connect with the body each day, she notices that the capacities of the body are begining to dimimish, for instance she is unable to walk for hours without hurting. If there is any meaning in her work, it is to integrate it with the body. How the mind wanders in any way it pleases presents a real challenge. She doesn't control it or master it, but needs to work with it rather than against it, to give her energy to work to be in her body, not to travel away from the body. She had been touched by BS's intense experiences related to that.

T had tried the 12pm and 5pm exercise, and did not manage it completely even once. At different times she did remember, and would then start to count from 1 to 60 as an exercise to stay with the remembering, and while counting would try to observe her surroundings at the time, asking herself where she was, who she was with, and what she was doing. The most common activity she had observed was that she was eating!

RM said that what comes to mind while he is studying Gurdjieff material, is that he is on a path of evolution, an evolution of reason. Referring to Gurdjieff's concept of friction, he feels he is up against barriers when he gives an intense attention that opens up options. These barriers enable his reason to get honed. Reason is like a light that continues to grow. He thinks that this is what makes humanity different from animals, which escape the link between awareness and consciousness. The question that comes to his mind is why humanity's reason, reason around the evolution of counsciousness, has grown faster than in other animals? He gave the example of a cat apparently asleep, but alert to its surroundings as shown by its sudden responses from an apparent state of sleep.

E thought that reason on its own is not enough. but has to be with the kindness of humanity. Otherwise living with reason alone is trying to walk on one leg. She had failed with the exercise of checking the time, even though her clock has an alarm. She is not in control; in some ways she finds this hard to believe, but it seems as if it is so.

The contributions were then discussed.

BW asked for elaboration about integration of the body, as described by "R". RM said we are trying to be more harmonious, and in balance. If there are tensions one cannot be in balance. Tension pulls the attention from being free. We tend to ignore the body a lot of the time. "R" explained that people talk about what they are thinking about. She could not really call it talking about consciousness, it is just thinking that is being talked about - just thinking is resistance to being present in the body. Z referred to Gurdjieff's concept of three-brained beings; mind, body and emotion. We are not fully present, we are not fully human. A previous group she was in worked with the senses, the body, "to be here and now", to speak to our tensions, and consider what the tensions are saying. GC said that when not thinking, we tend to display what is going on inside us, to project what is going on in the body. BW felt he was conscious of being in his body, but whatever his understanding of that state was, experienced a resistance. "R" thought it an excellent line of study, to experience and investigate in oneself. D pointed out that he needs to be thinking in order to write - if he became present he wouldn't be able to write.

Regarding the exercise of checking the time twice a day, GC said he had been doing it every hour, as a discipline to remember himself; likewise he was trying to avoid eating when not hungry, to see how powerful his resolution wasn't.

The Meeting was about to start reading from Beelzebub's Tales, when GC enquired why we were reading this book when it was so difficult. In fact he had been reading it for years and still finds it difficult. This prompted a discussion on the issue, after which, with less time remaining, consideration of the text resumed.

Gurdjieff tells a tale of a Russian merchant who buys a book for his son, and queries the price in the bookshop.

"But it is marked here forty-five kopecks. Why do you ask sixty?" Thereupon the salesman, making as is said the "oleaginous" face proper to all salesmen, replied that ... fifteen kopecks were added for postage.  ... our Russian merchant who was perplexed ... again pondered, this time like an English professor who has invented a capsule for castor oil, and then suddenly turned to his friend and delivered himself for the first time on Earth of the verbal formulation which, expressing in its essence an indubitable objective truth, has since assumed the character of a saying. And he then put it to his friend as follows: "Never mind, old fellow, we'll take the book. Anyway we're on a spree today, and

'if you go on a spree then go the whole hog including the postage.' "

The narrator continues:

" ... as soon as I had cognized all this, something very strange, ... immediately began, and for a rather long time continued to proceed in me; ... after the lapse of some time suddenly ... replaced by such a peaceful inner condition as I experienced in later life once only, when the ceremony of the great initiation into the Brotherhood of the 'Originators of making butter from air' was performed over me ..."

T wondered if there was any significance in the fact that oil had been referred to three times, with the mention of castor oil, the use of the adjective "oleaginous", and the reference to making butter from air. RM suggested that oil might symbolise personality, and air correspond to essence.

At the close of the Meeting, RM recommended a variant on the previous month's exercise that he had been trying out. On checking the time twice a day, he has been counting from 1 to 9 and down to 1 again, several times. GC gave out printed sheets of an Osho article about self-remembering, another on Essence and Personality (by Maurice Nicoll), and a page he had prepared of two psychological parables.

Fear and Presence

The Meeting opened with a silence of one minute to focus and quieten the mind. Each person then gave a presentation of up to two minutes of relevant experiences and thoughts, many from the previous month.

Z remarked on how hard it was to change one's own patterns of behaviour, quite apart from considering that of other people. She has noticed how she can put something down and forget where she has put it only minutes later. She described experiencing frustration about this. She is aware that her periods of being present and aware are momentary.

BW had been feeling that he does not know what he wants to be doing in a grand sense, or who he wants to be. He has been in a state of uncertainty about what he really feels or thinks about the things he has been doing for a long time. It was like waking up as a passenger in a car - many other people may have expectations which he does not share, and it is difficult to maintain a sense of continuity with people close to him.

MG spoke of having thoughts which are uncalled for. He said that every thought is generated by a certain amount of will, and if not by his will, the question is whose. Whose will is supporting habitual behaviour which one would rather not be doing at the time? The will varies in source in two dimensions, of inner world and outside reality, and it is good to be able to separate them and consider which is the real world. In the inner world time does not really exist, as one can "be" somewhere instantly. It is easier than one might think to confidently apply will power.

G had been considering how to deal with indulgent thinking and stupid mental rambles and was finding the best answer was just to get up and do something else.

T, at her art studio, observed that it was easier to eat than do drawing and painting. She was aware she could stop but was able to observe as she did it and felt better. This was a glimpse of the observer kicking in and watching.

[Removed at the request of BS.]

LG spoke of how the practice of art had elements of conflict, it was like a battle, and whilst he had overcome obstacles to successfully write a work of classical music over several months and distribute it to musicians in good time, it was as if the musicians had succumbed, and having failed to practice sufficiently, a full performance had to be cancelled. He experienced resistance to the music reaching the audience in many forms. He was nearly run over by a car mounting the pavement shortly before the concert, and on the eve of the concert the programme was reprinted with his name and piece removed. The use of the internet was a good tool to counter such resistance to the spread of art, and once online it was harder to stop.

"R" had attended an event for which she was expected to present a professional persona, while at the same time having a visitor with her who needed frequent attention. She keeps returning to physical presence as being her anchor, not to think about things succeeding or failing, but rather of a situation as an opportunity to sense her presence.

E had been experiencing negative thoughts after closing a long-established practice in chi gung, and wondered how this could be happening after 17 years work as a practioner, with all the resources and skills she had built up.

LH brought up his experience of fear, and how talking at the Meeting was creating physical reactions in his body symptomatic of it. Fear could be about being present somewhere, or about knowing things.

There followed a discussion on the contributions.

Continuing on the theme of fear, G wondered if we attract the things we fear - if one is scared of a dog it steps forward toward you. Z said that to be afraid of something gives it energy. G thought that we make our own fear and that fears have no foundation in fact. L considered that usual fears are a diversion from the fundamental fear based on the fact that we are on a lump of rock, at the same time, all destined for oblivion, as far as we know. G asked how it was possible to be afraid of oblivion. M wanted to know if anyone had experienced overcoming fear. He gave an example from experience of being asked perform impromptu music in an unfamiliar style, before a large audience, which turned out to be the most appreciated part of the evening's performance.

In response to BW, L thought that those in the acting profession can naturally focus on the issue of identity and purpose, for the successful adoption of roles from drama poses the question as to what role is being acted out in real life. BW elaborated on the instance of luck in careers, which he had formerly not believed in. G said that luck increases for those who are proactive.

The Meeting then resumed the reading of Beelzebub's Tales, clockwise round the table.

In the context of an argument between children about how to catch a pigeon, Gurdjieff included the following section in a contrasting style of language:

"...Suppose it is true that the greatest physical force of the pigeon is concentrated in that big toe, then all the more, what we've got to do is to see that just that toe will be caught in the noose. Only then will there be any sense to our aim – that is to say, for catching these unfortunate pigeon creatures – in that brain-particularity proper to all possessors of that soft and slippery 'something' which consists in this, that when, thanks to other actions, from which its insignificant manifestability depends, there arises a periodic requisite law conformable what is called 'change of presence,' then this small so to say 'law conformable confusion' which should proceed for the animation of other acts in its general functioning, immediately enables the center of gravity of the whole functioning, in which this slippery 'something' plays a very small part, to pass temporarily from its usual place to another place, owing to which there often obtains in the whole of this general functioning, unexpected results ridiculous to the point of absurdity."

There was a discussion on the significance of the phrase slippery 'something', as to whether it meant an aspect of consciousness difficult to sustain, or whether it meant nothing. The fight scene continues with a description which may refer to a change of consciousness, and a visual metaphor introducing one of Gurdjieff's abstract concepts:

"From this blow, I, as is said, 'saw stars', ... After a little time ... I then actually discovered that some foreign substance was in my mouth, and when I pulled it out with my fingers, it turned out to be nothing less than a tooth of large dimensions and strange form. ... This strange tooth had seven shoots and at the end of each of them there stood out in relief a drop of blood, and through each separate drop there shone clearly and definitely one of the seven aspects of the manifestation of the white ray."

As the Meeting was about to close, "R" suggested it might be beneficial to practice an exercise during the coming month, in addition to considering the reading. The exercise agreed upon was to remember, every day, to look at the time around midday, and again in the evening.